Unburdened
by Queen-of-the-Merry-Men
Summary: After Regina loses her memories during the Missing Year she's forced to choose between the memories of her son and living a life free of her sins. While coming clean about their history Snow tries to convince that a life unburdened is not worth losing the life she shared with Henry.


She wouldn't say it was blissful. It was more nerve wracking than anything she supposed. Getting the anxious looks from everyone and not knowing why. Being avoided like the plague yet never left alone. She knew that something wasn't right with her. That time had ran on while she somehow got left behind. Or pulled back more accurately.

Seeing Snow was quite the surprise. One moment she was woken up surrounded by people she'd never seen before and the next she was being introduced to the girl she'd saved the day before, only she'd aged more than fifteen years. Despite how little sense it made the hopeful green eyes she saw told her that the regal woman in front of her was indeed the young girl she'd rescued from a runaway horse. The last person she remembered seeing.

Snow had taken the loss of her memories quite disturbingly. Her skin had practically gone three shades whiter when Regina told her how little she remembered. Not long after she'd rushed out of the room and the next morning an older woman who went by the name of Granny had been assigned to watch over her. She wasn't exactly a kind old woman but she was certainly more caring than Cora. The absence of her mother made her uneasy. It made her feel as if she could pop out from any corner. When she'd asked Granny where her mother was the old woman just grimaced and said, "Somewhere where you don't have to worry about her influence."

Though Granny was her primary guard there were others who attended to her protection. Ruby, Granny's granddaughter and Snow's best friend, usually wasn't far from her. She wasn't as welcoming as her grandmother though. Regina could almost always feel her penetrating gaze on her back when Ruby thought she couldn't see her. Every time she looked into her eyes all she could see was disdain and mistrust. It was unnerving.

She far preferred to spend time with the archer. Or thief, as she'd been told was his profession. Her father had always told her that bandits weren't to be trusted but the bright shine of his blue eyes and the flash of his dimples made her feel differently somehow. Usually when he watched over her he would bring his son, a rather energetic young boy named Roland. With the same dimples as his father marking his cheeks, he was one of the few people in the castle who smiled at her without hesitation. Being with the young boy and his father was when she felt most at ease.

However, she knew there was an evil lurking around the castle.

She'd never seen the woman, just heard the whispers. The Evil Queen.

That's what they called her. She'd sometimes hear the castle's occupants whispering about her in private. Apparently she was a great and powerful sorceress who had once cursed the entire kingdom. Everyone feared her but from what little she'd been able to pick up she gathered that the queen had been locked up or incapacitated in some way, though she still remained in the castle. No one would talk about the queen in front of her. On the contrary, the whispers about the queen would stop as soon as she stepped foot in a room. Perhaps she was reason Snow had been protecting her so carefully. Maybe this queen had hurt her in some way and taken away her memories. If that was true she could only hope that she would never cross paths with the woman again.

* * *

It was two weeks before her confusion was set to end. Snow had arranged for a small group of trusted soldiers to accompany them back to the manor where she'd grown up. The closer they got to her home the more anxious she felt. When Snow noticed her distress she reached for her hand and said comfortingly, "Don't worry. She's not there."

In fact, no one was there. When they reached the country house she was shocked to find it completely empty. Her father wasn't there, neither were the servants. Every piece of furniture in her home was covered with a thin white sheet and a thick layer of dust. She could swear that it looked like the manor hadn't been visited in years.

Snow didn't allow her much time to explore her childhood home. It wasn't long before she was leading her to Firefly Hill. As they passed the stables she felt her heart leap into her throat before falling with dejection. Whenever she'd asked Snow about Daniel the princess would just smile sadly at her and say that his story was one for another time.

She followed the princess up towards the top of the hill, the wind leaving a slight chill on her face. As she looked over the land she fondly recalled the moment she'd seen Snow being carried off by her runaway horse. How lucky she was to save the girl who now cared for her so diligently.

As the neared the top of the hill Snow looked back at her sadly. "Do you remember this place Regina? Do you remember the day when you saved my life?"

"I do," she said nodding her head. "I heard you scream as your horse ran by."

She looked up at her apprehensively. "Why are we here Snow?"

The princess swallowed hard before answering her. "Because I need to show you something."

She silently guided her to the top of the hill where she could finally see a worn stone fixture.

Regina felt her heart pound faster as she realized it was a headstone. _Daddy?_ she thought sadly. Had Snow brought her here to tell her that her father had passed away in the memories she'd lost? Her pace picked up as she grew nearer to the stone, expecting to see her father's name.

When she reached the front of the headstone a heartbroken gasp flew from her throat.

Daniel.

Regina fell to her knees as she read her beloved stable boy's name. To be honest she had been more or less expecting this. In the past two weeks Daniel had been nowhere to be seen and she knew as long as she didn't turn him away there was little that could keep Daniel from her. So of course, she'd known that he was gone. Seeing his grave, however, made it all too real.

Two tears fell from Snow's eyes as she watched Regina crumble in front of the headstone. She tried to reserve her sadness as Regina sobbed over Daniel's death. After a giving her some time to grieve she cautiously approached her side. "I'm sorry Regina."

Her sobs had since subsided and now she just remained on her knees as she blankly stared at his headstone. Only one word entered her mind. "How?"

"Cora," answered Snow solemnly. "She ripped his heart out."

Regina pressed her lips together trying not to cry out in anguish. "She found out about us, didn't she?"

"Yes," whispered Snow, with a small nod. She sighed as she kneeled onto the ground next to Regina. "She found out that you were planning to elope and on the night of your escape she killed him. And for that I am so sorry."

Regina looked over, her eyebrows knitted in confusion. "Why would you be sorry?"

Snow blinked back tears as she swallowed hard before choking out "Because I'm the one who told her."

Regina's jaw dropped in horror as tears streamed down her face. "You… you told my mother about Daniel?"

"Regina… you have to understand. I was a child at the time," she tried to explain. "Cora manipulated me into thinking that she wanted you to be happy. I thought that I was helping you. I never wanted Daniel to die."

"Do not say his name!" snarled Regina standing to her feet in disgust. "I don't ever want to hear it come from your mouth again."

She turned from Snow and wrapped her arms around herself protectively. "Why did you bring me here Snow? Why did you tell me all of this?!"

"Because you deserved to know it," said Snow calmly rising from the ground. "Because after all that's happened between us you deserve my honesty."

Regina shook her head sadly. "I saved your life… and you destroyed the only person that brought joy to mine."

Snow looked down at her feet dejectedly. "I know. It took me many years to realize what my mistake meant for your future. But there is so much more that you still don't know."

She walked in front of Regina forcing her to face her. "The day I chose to trust your mother I set things in motion that neither of us could've foreseen."

She eyed Regina nervously. "Tell me… what do you know about the queen?"

"The Evil Queen, you mean?" said Regina glaring her. She shook her head. "Not much. Just that she's a sorceress, a powerful one who once cursed this land."

Snow nodded at her. "That's right. After my mother died my father grew lonely. He searched the kingdom for a woman to make his bride. He found her but the marriage was not her choice, even if I didn't realize it at the time. She longed for love and freedom, neither of which she could get in the castle. As the years went past she grew angrier and more desperate until she finally killed my father and took the kingdom for herself. For years I lived in the forest trying to escape her wrath."

Regina's breath caught in her throat as she realized why Snow would tell her so much about her stepmother. "The queen… she was me, wasn't she?"

"Yes," said Snow with a small nod. "The day after she… did what she did… Cora arranged for you to marry my father."

"And I became just like her," Regina whispered brokenly. "I used magic, didn't I? To hurt people just like she does?"

Snow shook her head. "No Regina. You and your mother both caused your fair share of pain but you aren't like her. Cora became did what she did out of greed and selfishness. You became what you were out of pain."

"A monster," whispered Regina. "I became a monster."

Snow just looked away from her guiltily.

"Are you here to kill me?" Regina asked softly.

"No," said Snow firmly. "Despite everything that happened between us I could never do that to you."

She reached into a pouch strapped to her hip and pulled out a small bottle filled with a dark blue liquid. "This is a memory potion. If you drink it you'll regain the memories you lost. You'll remember all the pain you've felt and all the pain you caused."

Regina raised an eyebrow at her. "And if I don't?"

"Then I suppose you remain as you are," sighed Snow. "You can reclaim your innocence and start over. Live a life untethered by your past."

"And this is my choice?"

"Of course," said Snow. "But I hope that you'll choose to remember."

"And why would you want that?" asked Regina dryly. "I'm certainly less of a threat to you the way I am now. I have no magic, no way of coming after you."

"I realize that," said Snow. "And honestly Regina, a majority of the council would prefer that you stay this way. But I disagree."

"Why?"

"Because there is more to your past than your sins," she answered firmly. Reaching back into the pouch on her side she pulled out a folded piece of parchment and handed it to Regina. "Here."

Regina cautiously took it from her hand and unfolded it. It was small hand drawn portrait of a boy. With all its detail it reminded her of the wanted signs she would sometimes see in the village. As she looked down at it she could feel her heart both light up and darken at the same time. Seeing this boy brought her joy but also sorrow.

"I had that commissioned by one of the castle artists upon our arrival at the castle," mentioned Snow softly. "It's from memory so I'm afraid it's not very good."

Regina looked over to her questioningly. "Who is this?"

"Your son."

Regina's eyes widened as they flew back to the picture at Snow's answer. Her son? She had a child?

"His name is Henry," continued Snow. "You adopted him after you cursed us to the land without magic. You raised him alone for ten years. "

"Did I love him?" Regina asked, her voice dripping with hesitation.

"Unconditionally," said Snow, her eyes lighting up. "You loved him more than anything in all the realms. And he loved you just as strongly. It was his love that pulled you from the darkness. You changed for him."

A smile tugged on Regina's lips as she looked down at the drawing of the boy but a frown settled on her face as she realized she hadn't seen him in the castle at all. She looked up at Snow with concern in her eyes. "Why haven't I seen him?"

Snow looked away from her sadly. "Because he's not in our realm."

She sighed before continuing. "When we were in the land without magic we had finally reached a place of peace with each other, mostly due to Henry. But an evil boy named Pan attempted to hijack your curse. He wanted to enslave the whole kingdom to his bidding and the only person who could stop him was you. In order to do so… you had to give up the thing you loved the most, Henry. So in order to save him and all of us from Pan you sent him to live with his birth mother, Emma. You made it so that they both had memories of a life where she had never given him away. A good, happy life. They're safe in their realm and we were returned to ours, safe from Pan's curse."

"He doesn't remember me?" asked Regina brokenly, a tear running down her cheek.

"No," whispered Snow sadly. "But you won't remember him either. Not if you don't drink this potion."

Regina eyed the bottle in her hands apprehensively. "If I drink this… I'll turn back into _her."_

"But if you don't you'll lose all the memories of your son," Snow reminded her. "His first steps, his first smile, his first words. You won't remember any of it. And believe me, the chance to know those moments is worth more than you could possibly imagine."

It didn't escape Regina's notice how emotional Snow was getting. More than a few tears had begun to stream down her cheeks. She took a deep breath before continuing on. "I won't blame you Regina. If you choose not to remember your pain I won't judge you for a second. But I believe that you deserve to know all of who you are. Because even though the woman you became hurt people in her past, I think she has a chance to do some good in her future."

She gave her one last look before handing her the potion. "The choice is yours Regina. Take all the time you need to make it."

Regina looked down at the bottle anxiously as she gripped it in her hands. She could become a completely different person with just one sip. She called out to Snow as she began walking back down the hill. "What would my son say to me about this?"

Snow turned back to her with a small smile. "He would say that a hero doesn't run away."

* * *

The ride back to the castle was longer than the one from it. Regina chose to ride back on one of the horses instead of in the carriage with Snow. She didn't trust herself to be enclosed in such a small space with the princess for so long. Not after what she'd learned today.

It was all still swimming in her head. Daniel's death, her past, her son. Despite its small size the potion strapped to her hip felt like it weighed a ton. She was torn between throwing it as far from her as possible or drinking it all in one gulp. The consequences of both decisions ran through her mind for the entire journey.

When they reached the castle she quickly dismounted her horse and headed straight for her room. It was a tiny place not far off from the kitchen. There was a small cot covered by a thin blanket and a small desk in the corner. As she sat on her cot and looked around she realized that this was not a room befitting a queen. Though comfortable enough, it couldn't possibly be where she'd slept before her accident.

She knew there was a corridor in the east wing that everyone tended to avoid. _Possibly because an evil queen resides there,_ she thought to herself.

Regina quickly left her room and headed for the east wing. As she walked through the hallways she was more aware of the attention she attracted than ever before. Everyone seemed to watch at her but no one dared to look her in the eye. People did everything possible not to cross her path. More than a few turned back and walked the opposite direction. Was this the type of fear she inspired during her reign of terror?

She reached the east wing quicker than she expected and her pace drastically slowed as she walked up to the double doors she could only assume belonged to her actual room. She hesitated before reaching out a shaking hand to twist the door knob open. The hinges creaked loudly as she slowly pushed open the door. The room was large. Twice the size of her room back at the manor and her small room near the kitchen couldn't even compare. Her footsteps echoed against the stone floor as she took a few cautious steps deeper into the room. It was clearly empty so she wondered who she was so afraid of disturbing. The ghost of her former self possibly? She didn't know what she'd hoped to find, she just knew that she'd know it when she saw it.

There was a large canopy bed in the center of the room. Soft sheets and a thick, fluffy blanket laid atop it. She ran her fingers against one the pillows. _Goose feathers_ , she thought to herself. They always were her favorite. The glint of jewelry brought her attention over to a vanity besides the window. Laid out were various trinkets made of diamonds, emeralds, black pearls, any precious gem you could think of really. The pieces were big and ostentatious. She'd always hated wearing such things when she'd lived at manor. After going through the vanity she headed over the closet and looked through all her dresses. They were more eye grabbing than the jewelry. Body clinging fabric cut with ample cleavage, they were all in tones of dark red and black. Nothing like what she was used to wearing. There wasn't a hint of the light blue and ivory colors that she was so fond of and there were hardly any riding clothes either. She tried to picture herself wearing any of the dresses and she couldn't imagine that she would recognize herself. Everything in this room felt like it belonged to a stranger. Or worse, her mother. She didn't know the woman who slept in this room but she could already tell that she wasn't someone she wanted to be.

She headed for the door, fully prepared to tell Snow that she wasn't interested in becoming the queen again when something in the sitting area caught her eye. Dozens of pieces of crumpled parchment were thrown on the floor all around a luxurious red chaise. She hesitantly picked up one and felt her heart clench as she unraveled it.

"Henry…"

It was another drawing of the young boy Snow had told her was her son. The hair was a bit longer and the shoulders were slightly off but she could tell it was the same boy she'd seen in the first drawing. She picked up another crumpled piece. And another. And another. They were all drawings of him. Some of them showed him as a baby, some of them showed him to be Roland's age and others, she imagined, were him around the last time she saw him. They were all different in small ways. The shape of the eyes or the slant of the nose. There was always some variable that made one drawing different from the next. Regina shut her eyes in sorrow as she realized that the queen was trying desperately to recreate her son's face before she forgot it.

What kind of mother doesn't even know her own child's face?

 _Not the type of mother I'd want to be_ , thought Regina reaching for the potion strapped to her hip. She swallowed nervously as she uncorked the bottle. Drinking this meant she would turn back into the woman she'd never wanted to become. Someone angry and evil and darkened. But she couldn't help but think it was worth it if she got to see the memories of her son's face.

Before she could talk herself out of it she put the bottle to her lips and drank.

* * *

The next morning Snow nervously paced her bedroom floor. Her talk with Regina had gone as well as could be expected but she still had no idea whether she'd take the potion or not. Honestly, she still felt a little guilty for giving her the choice in the first place. She'd already had a hand in Regina's pain before. Asking her to relive it just seemed particularly cruel.

She walked onto her balcony hoping to clear her mind with some fresh air. Instead she was surprised to look down and see Regina in the courtyard attending her apple tree. Her hair was up in an elaborate fashion instead of flowing free like it had the past few days. Her face was no longer bare but elegantly and sophistically painted with makeup. One look at her told Snow that she'd decided to drink the potion.

She quickly made her way down to the courtyard and saw Regina's back stiffen as she approached her. The queen paused before plucking an apple from the tree.

"He used to tend the tree with me in Storybrooke, you know?" She didn't turn to look back at Snow as she continued speaking. "When he was a little boy we used to spend afternoons in the backyard picking apples and then baking turnovers. But that was before all our problems."

"You remember," said Snow gently.

"Indeed I do," said Regina in a low voice. "You were right Snow. Remaining unburdened was not worth the loss of his memory."

The air in the courtyard grew thick with her words. Her memories of Henry had returned but so had the pain of losing him. It radiated from her.

"Do you need anything?" asked Snow in a soft voice.

"Only peace and solitude," replied Regina automatically, her eyes remaining on the trees.

Snow nodded silently before beginning to walk away from her. She felt a little better knowing that Regina had made the choice to remember who she was but she still felt guilty for the pain that it was causing her. Still, she hoped the queen was back to who she needed to be.

"Oh and Snow?" called out Regina. "Don't think for one second I won't get you for sticking me next to the kitchen."

* * *

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